Going back to work is one of the hardest things I have done. The first couple of weeks back to work I was a wreck. I was very overwhelmed with my new schedule of getting Henry ready and to my in-laws in the mornings before getting to work. I felt like I was always behind. I was having a hard time adjusting to everything I had to do. On top of that, the first week Henry really missed me. He wanted to make up for the time we weren't together during the day by cuddling all night long. Which was super sweet, but since we don't bed share I was spending most of my night awkwardly sleeping in the glider in his nursery while he slept soundly on my chest. Not a very comfortable way to get some rest after a long day of working and taking care of a baby. I cried every night when I got home from work. I felt like I was missing so much (even though I really wasn't).
Big transitions like this can trigger feelings of postpartum depression. At my six-week postpartum appointment I took the questionnaire that is supposed to tell you and your care provider of you are at risk for developing PPD. I scored really low (which meant PPD was not even on the radar for me). I love being a momma and after Henry was born was one of the happiest times of my life. I definitely had some "Baby Blues" in the first couple of days home, but I never felt depressed. Going back to work brought all of the warning signs of PPD to the surface. In the weeks before I went back to work I became very bitter and refused help from those who loved me. I felt like I was the only one who could truly care for Henry. I cried all the time. I was very snippity and short with Ben. These feelings continued to grow in the first few weeks back at work. I was happy at work and loved seeing my co-workers and friends, but every night the negativity would set in and I couldn't bring myself to see all of the positives in my life. I called my doctor to get help. She referred me to a counselor at the Postpartum Wellness Center of Boulder, who helped me learn to cope with the negative and overwhelming feelings I had been having. I saw my counselor every week for eight weeks. After each session I truly felt better. She validated the feelings I was having and taught me how to manage the stressors in my life.
It does get better. After being back to work for about three weeks I started to feel a lot better. Each week is a little easier. I figured out a schedule for the mornings. I make sure to do things at night to help "tomorrow's me" out. I don't cry every night after work. I play with Henry until bed time and enjoy the time we have together. Henry sleeps by himself again in his crib and I am getting more sleep. I am back into the swing of things at work and truly enjoying my job again. Some days are still really hard. Each week I can't wait for Friday to be over so I can spend two days with my family. On Sunday I do get a little sad about the week ahead and being away from Henry. I take it one day at a time and each night when I put Henry to bed I tell him the number of days left until weekend. On Friday mornings I burst into his room exclaiming, "We made it to Friday!"
Letting those who love you help you makes all the difference in the world. I am a very independent woman and always have been. It was (and still is) hard for me to ask for help. But I have gotten better at it. It doesn't necessarily take a village to raise a child, but leaning on your village does help. Ben and I share the responsibility of driving Henry to and from Grandma and Grandpa's each day. Ben cooks dinner at night so I can feed Henry and we can have a good chunk of time after dinner to hang out as a family. My in-laws drive Henry to my office at lunch so I can see him and nurse. My mom and dad pick up the phone every time I call. Without my village I would be so overwhelmed. I am so grateful for these people and everything they do.
Whether you're heading back to work tomorrow, in a month, or in six months, just know that you can make it through this transition. It will be hard. You will be sad. But that's ok. Reach out to your village for help. Cry if you need to. It does get better. Plus, you have something to look forward to every night when you head home from work. Baby giggles and snuggles are the best cure for a long day at the office.
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| Evenings now consist of stories about dinosaurs and pirates |
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