The Day I Quit My Job

I've been a working mom for almost nine months. It was right around the time of my last update, that I realized it just isn't for me. I enjoy going to the office every day, but I spend more time wishing I were with my little dude than growing my career. I decided a couple of months ago that I am going to hang up my corporate hat for a while and focus on raising my family and making a home. 

This decision is not one that I came to lightly. The night my husband came home and suggested that I give my notice at work, my initial reaction was, "I'm not ready! Work is going well and we're about to become really busy. I don't want to let my team down." A reaction that surprised both my husband and myself. When I first went back to work, there were so many days when I wanted to walk into my boss' office and hand over my computer and badge. So many nights I would spend crying while holding my baby because I had missed him so much. But Ben and I had goals that we had set and debts to pay off. I had committed to going back to work to help my family reach those goals and lay down the foundation for all of us to have a better future.  

While grappling with the decision to give my resignation, a lot of unexpected feelings and questions came up. I felt like I was going to be letting my team down. We were just about to get into one of our busiest times of year. Did I want to stay on for another two months to complete the project? How would the additional paychecks impact our family if I were to stay for another six weeks? eight weeks? ten weeks? How much more will Henry change in that time? In just the four weeks prior to me giving my resignation he had gone from rolling over to crawling, to pulling up and walking along things. He is beginning to understand what we mean when we tell him "no" or "up" or "good job!" Was the foregone accomplishment of finishing the biggest project of the year and the extra income worth what I may miss out on in the coming months?

I thought about whether or not I was ready to begin a new chapter in my life for a week before finally deciding to resign. I decided that there will never be a good time to give my resignation. There will always be another project, another deadline, another reason to put it off. I walked into the office on August 1 and let my team know that I would be leaving so that I could stay home with Henry. I braced myself for the typical cold shoulder reaction I had received in the past when resigning from a job. I just knew my manager and my team were going to be upset that I was leaving at such a critical time of year. Instead, I was met with an incredible understanding from everyone on my team. In fact, everyone in the office was remarkably supportive.

My original resignation period was five weeks. Enough time to get my team through the really busy part of year and help to train the new team member who had started only a week before I gave my notice. I was approached by my director about staying for a total of eleven weeks, with a flexible work schedule option starting in September. This gave me the opportunity to see two big projects through and help train my replacement. Most importantly, this option allowed everyone to transition to this new lifestyle slowly.

I am very excited and very nervous for this new chapter. I am looking forward to spending more time with Henry and watching him learn and grow. I know I will miss my co-workers and even the spreadsheets and stresses of work. For now we are all taking it one day at a time and looking forward to our new normal.

Working Mom

In the weeks leading up to my return to work after maternity leave, I had scoured the internet for the best tips for the transition.  One of my goals with Henry has been to be able to breastfeed until his first birthday.  I didn't want all of the work we had put into nursing so far to go down the drain now that he would be having 2-3 of his meals a day by bottle.  I passed along the resources I had found to my mother-in-law, who would be watching Henry while I was at work.  All of the advice I had found worked!  We never experienced a nursing strike or a major dip in supply.  Henry and I are just about ten months in to our nursing journey, and I know the next two months will breeze by.

I hope this collection of links, articles and charts for going back to work and transitioning your baby's day to a caregiver helps to make the process go smoothly.

I love this article about how a breastfed baby is different than a formula fed baby.

A helpful reminder on how to safely store breastmilk, also how to defrost and warm.

This article, this handout, and this video have information on how to bottle feed a breastfed baby (i.e. Paced Bottle Feeding).

We use this chart to track our baby's day and make communication between parents and caregivers seamless.

I love this article about advice for working moms.

Returning to work can seem almost impossible, but you've got this, Momma!

Are you returning to work soon?  Check out my posts about my experience as a working mom 3-months and 6-months in.

Back to Work | Six Months In

It's hard to believe that I've been back to work for over six months now.   Some days it seems like just yesterday that I was dropping my little guy off at my in-law's and heading to the office for the first time since he was born.  Other days it feels like I have been a working mom forever.  I thought I would post another update about the things I have learned since being back to work. 

Pumping at work is hard work.  Trying to find an hour during my already packed day is becoming more difficult.  At my office there are only two pumping rooms and there are a lot of nursing mommas.  We have to reserve our times for the "quiet room" months in advance.  If you miss your time because a meeting ran late, you're pretty much out of luck.  Although I have a laptop that I take with me to the quiet room, gathering all of my things twice a day and getting set up usually ruins the momentum I had going with my work.  I find it difficult to work on a laptop on your lap while you're also hooked up to the pump, there just isn't enough room.  My goal is to be able to breastfeed for one year.  I've made it this far, I feel like I can buckle down and make it three more months.  I have realized that pumping at work is more of a marathon than the sprint I thought it was when I first returned to work.

My weekends are sacred.  I lived for the weekend before Henry was born, but I also feel like I had more freedom to do things after work instead of trying to cram all of my social gatherings, chores, and errands into two days.   We tend to spend most weeknights at home now.  Every once in a while we will  make a mid-week trip to the grocery store, but now that Henry is older and more mobile I want to be able to give him lots of playtime at our home before bedtime each night.  When I first returned to work I had a bad tendency of packing our weekends full of things to do.  When I would look at my calendar I was overwhelmed.  I only get four, maybe five, weekends a month to see friends and family, do chores, run errands, and have me time.  I've started winding down the amount of things we do on the weekends.  I really try to have only one event on the weekend so that we can have one full day to hang out just as a family, get things ready for the next week, or have some me time.  I've learned that allowing that time is necessary and more important for my family than getting together with extended family or friends.

My nights are wonderfully predictable.  Evenings at our house are much busier than before Henry was born.  Ben picks Henry up in the evenings.  I rush home from work to feed Henry while Ben makes dinner for us.  We eat dinner as a family, which is really entertaining now that Henry is eating solids.  I clean up Henry and the kitchen while Ben does another chore.  We play with Henry for a little bit and then its time for bed.  By the time Henry is sound asleep Ben and I only have energy to watch maybe one TV show before turning out the lights.  I'm asleep the second my head hits the pillow.  Compared to the easy going, lazy nights we had just a year ago it feels like we are running at full speed from the time we get home until the time we turn out the lights.  I can't believe that we used to come home from work and watch TV or sit outside in the backyard for hours.  I'll admit sometimes I even felt bored after work.   I love that I know what our evenings consist of.  Even if they are incredibly packed and crazy.

I still have bad days and good days with both of my jobs.  Some days I dread going into the office because I am having a great morning with Henry.  Other days I can't get to the office quickly enough because I am craving adult interaction.  I've learned to lean on my village more and have found comfort in knowing that Henry has a great network of people he loves who are helping to raise him.  I still miss him all day while I’m at the office, but I love seeing his smiling face when I walk through the door in the evening.

Back to Work | Three Months In

Monday marked three months of being back at work for me. Which means I have now been a working momma for longer than I was at home with Henry during maternity leave. These three months have gone by so quickly! It definitely hasn't been the easiest of transitions, and here are some of the things I have learned:

Going back to work is one of the hardest things I have done. The first couple of weeks back to work I was a wreck. I was very overwhelmed with my new schedule of getting Henry ready and to my in-laws in the mornings before getting to work.  I felt like I was always behind. I was having a hard time adjusting to everything I had to do. On top of that, the first week Henry really missed me. He wanted to make up for the time we weren't together during the day by cuddling all night long. Which was super sweet, but since we don't bed share I was spending most of my night awkwardly sleeping in the glider in his nursery while he slept soundly on my chest. Not a very comfortable way to get some rest after a long day of working and taking care of a baby. I cried every night when I got home from work. I felt like I was missing so much (even though I really wasn't). 

Big transitions like this can trigger feelings of postpartum depression. At my six-week postpartum appointment I took the questionnaire that is supposed to tell you and your care provider of you are at risk for developing PPD. I scored really low (which meant PPD was not even on the radar for me). I love being a momma and after Henry was born was one of the happiest times of my life. I definitely had some "Baby Blues" in the first couple of days home, but I never felt depressed. Going back to work brought all of the warning signs of PPD to the surface. In the weeks before I went back to work I became very bitter and refused help from those who loved me. I felt like I was the only one who could truly care for Henry. I cried all the time. I was very snippity and short with Ben. These feelings continued to grow in the first few weeks back at work. I was happy at work and loved seeing my co-workers and friends, but every night the negativity would set in and I couldn't bring myself  to see all of the positives in my life. I called my doctor to get help. She referred me to a counselor at the Postpartum Wellness Center of Boulder, who helped me learn to cope with the negative and overwhelming feelings I had been having. I saw my counselor every week for eight weeks. After each session I truly felt better. She validated the feelings I was having and taught me how to manage the stressors in my life. 

It does get better. After being back to work for about three weeks I started to feel a lot better. Each week is a little easier.  I figured out a schedule for the mornings. I make sure to do things at night to help "tomorrow's me" out. I don't cry every night after work. I play with Henry until bed time and enjoy the time we have together. Henry sleeps by himself again in his crib and I am getting more sleep. I am back into the swing of things at work and truly enjoying my job again. Some days are still really hard. Each week I can't wait for Friday to be over so I can spend two days with my family. On Sunday I do get a little sad about the week ahead and being away from Henry. I take it one day at a time and each night when I put Henry to bed I tell him the number of days left until weekend. On Friday mornings I burst into his room exclaiming, "We made it to Friday!"

Letting those who love you help you makes all the difference in the world. I am a very independent woman and always have been. It was (and still is) hard for me to ask for help. But I have gotten better at it. It doesn't necessarily take a village to raise a child, but leaning on your village does help. Ben and I share the responsibility of driving Henry to and from Grandma and Grandpa's each day. Ben cooks dinner at night so I can feed Henry and we can have a good chunk of time after dinner to hang out as a family. My in-laws drive Henry to my office at lunch so I can see him and nurse. My mom and dad pick up the phone every time I call. Without my village I would be so overwhelmed. I am so grateful for these people and everything they do. 

Whether you're heading back to work tomorrow, in a month, or in six months, just know that you can make it through this transition. It will be hard. You will be sad. But that's ok. Reach out to your village for help. Cry if you need to. It does get better. Plus, you have something to look forward to every night when you head home from work.  Baby giggles and snuggles are the best cure for a long day at the office.

Evenings now consist of stories about dinosaurs and pirates